got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
