textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
