How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
