Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
