Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Randomize
