Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
