If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
