I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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