had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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