Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
sarcasm needs its own font
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
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