I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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