she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
