It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
