Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
