Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
