my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
