the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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