Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize