Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
