i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
