Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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