Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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