I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
