You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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