I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
