I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
