Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
