You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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