I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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