If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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