In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
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