Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just gargled with NyQuil
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
