The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My bed smells like the plague
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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