Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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