Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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