she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
