So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
