fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Randomize
