how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
