he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize