im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
