Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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