Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
