Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
