Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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