I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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