grandma shit on top of the toilet
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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