im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
