Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
