i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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