I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
