i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
