Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
