Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
This toilet bowl is my home.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
