she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
