AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
