my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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